Friday, September 5, 2014

Am I REALLY Surrendered?

When I discovered my appeal for Social Security disability had been denied and we were going to have to appeal again for a hearing before a judge, my heart sank all the way out the bottoms of my feet.  My mom and I have been praying for this to get straightened out for 3 years now.  We spent a ridiculous amount of her savings for doctors per the attorney's instructions to help the case because I haven't had the money for doctors and so that testimony was lacking.  All 5 doctors sent testimonies that I was indeed unable, in their professional opinions, to work due to a synergy of factors including Hashimoto's Thyroditis (which mimics Bipolar Disorder, also listed as a factor), heavy metal poisoning, and PTSD among other things.  I still don't know why it was denied since the letter did not ever come to my address and, for some reason, my attorney's office neglected to notify me when they got told back in June!?!
Anyway, now it is another year or more before we will be able to try again before a judge.  Very disappointing.  Especially since my house desperately needs new siding, new roofing, new heat pump, attic insulation and sealing, new garage door, etc. and has been needing these things for a while now.  I figured this is it.  I cannot just wait for the axe to fall.  I don't ever want to file bankruptcy.  I have sterling credit and have had despite the many years of poverty that preceded my now failed marriage.  Sooo I realized it must be time to let the house go and move back in with my mom in Florida.  She agreed that this was a good plan and we began to discuss how I could try to live in her garage.  Wow.  Ouch.  
I was like: Father, wasn't it humbling enough that I grew up poor, that I struggled through college to get that Chemical Engineering degree and then had to pay off those loans, that then I lost my career to this stupid, embarrassing disability?  That then I lost my marriage after thinking I was finally on the right track with you?  It has been hard enough to hold on to this house, but to have to go back to that high crime, season-less, sweaty, crowded Largo, FL and live in my mom's garage?!?  I don't deal well with status quo, much less with THIS!  How could you, Abba?!?
These awful contemplations prompted me to start searching for other options.  I feel certain the Ruach HaChodesh led me to come up with one last ditch effort: move into my own basement and rent out the upstairs portion of my home.  Now, it remains to be seen if this will work or not, and it is not something I relish by any means, but I do think that Yah allowed me to have the contrast with the Florida garage scenario so that cramming everything in my house into my less than half the space basement wouldn't seem so bad.  It will still be a major undertaking and require that I divest myself of much of my clothing, furniture,  kitchen items and other possessions, and that I give up some privacy and have only a bar sink and use shelves stacked on the bar as cabinetry, but, hey, again, better than just a garage in Florida.
I struggled and kicked and cussed and screamed and cried for 2 days.  At one point, I checked the mail, which has become a difficult thing for me to do since it often results in bad news, and RBC Ministries had sent one of their usually uplifting pamphlets.  This one was appropriately entitled, "It's NOT FAIR" (http://discoveryseries.org/discovery-series/its-not-fair/).  I sat down to see if there was something here from Abba.  The premise was based upon Asaph's Psalm 73.  It was good.  But I just felt like it didn't help.  Now I think it was a plow to help soften my then hard heart for the same message from another angle, which came this morning in the form of a post from a blog I am subscribed to: 
http://godrunning.com/2014/08/09/christian-pain-and-suffering/
OK, that one got my attention and broke down some walls.  I reckon I am finding out I wasn't as surrendered as I had thought.  
Later, I watched Eliyah.com's Shabbat archive "Message of Thorns".  You really must check it out http://www.eliyah.com/transcripts/12312011.html
One of the things that really spoke to me was his statement about how when we encounter thorns we can either do like the Pharisee's did and 'gnash our teeth' or we can humble ourselves even more and surrender.  OK, well that pretty much hit me over the head with a sledge hammer.  I am praying Yah will help me to back down.  This humbling never stops and I must surrender to that as well.  Help, Yah, help!  B'Shem Yahushua, Omein!

No comments:

Post a Comment